Archive for February 2011
Q & A
Like most of the worthless crap written here, this idea is stolen from somewhere else (but I keep things shorter than articles in Us Weekly, so at least I have the chance of reaching those with an attention span measured in milliseconds) . Pete C has a youtube video of himself answering a couple of questions. He went for jokes instead of anything revealing. While the guy is awesome most of the time, this is not a comedic homerun. Still better than reading about Justin Bieber dating one of the Kardashian’s. It’s worth watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m25EFj1SPcs
Since Pete passed on the chance, I’ll answer candidly:
1) The digestion issue. I really don’t care to talk about this much. Not because it’s disgusting, but because it is so intensely personal. A 15-year-old doesn’t care to share the details about the best part of his morning routine and I don’t care to share the details about mine
The truth, though, is that for myself an eating contest doesn’t produce anything noteworthy. Twenty hamburgers, 30 hotdogs, eight pounds of cheesecake … so much of that junk is just going to end up filling fat cells, not the intestines
Further, if I am going to eat all that, I’m going to eat light for at least 24 hours before; sometimes that can even 48 or 72 hours or even longer. Then afterward I won’t bother eating much for another day or two. Considering all that, the after-effects of an eating contest can just as often be a reduced output
2) I’ve written about this exact thing before. Being able to actually like eating is the single thing that makes it so easy to avoid bodyfat. If a person likes to eat, they’re probably not going to be allowed to be in a lot of eating contests, so the ones they are involved in are no more than monthly, even at the highest frequency. Ten minutes once a month is never going to be the deciding factor between fat and thin
For a person who likes to eat, for those other 29 days, three pounds of fruit and four pounds veggies and a plate of fish or chicken is a great meal and you can even have it for three meals if you want. Or you could have all that once and be done with eating for the day (and it is mostly moisture so it passes through more like a liquid). For someone who hates to eat, that sort of meal sounds too repulsive to ever try, so sometimes they’ll force themselves to choke down a measly couple of pounds of lasagna and cake for lunch, then something similar again for dinner
For most people, whenever they find themselves hungry they panic. They think they must have that Snickers bar right away and follow it up quickly with whatever else from the drive through doesn’t totally disgust them. For some of us, we’re hungry all the time yet we don’t go through 30 or 40 Snicker bars every time we’re away from the kitchen (which is what it might take to avoid hunger for a day). Instead we learn it isn’t some horrible tragedy. When I’m hungry I have no problem passing on two ounces of candy. I know no matter how many hours pass, I’ll eventually be able to relax with eight or nine pounds of something else
Why the Fuck?
From the Consumerist last week: All you can eat lawsuit
If the guy wanted $28 worth of fish with no rice, why the fuck wouldn’t he just buy 56 cans of tuna and stay home? If dealing with the can-opener and all that tuna juice is too much of a hassle go for the 60-ounce industrial sized cans
Why the fuck do people pay so much for sushi anyway? All you can eat sushi is like three times the cost of other all you can eat places, except instead of being able to eat a good meal, it ends up being a huge amount of rice and little specks of protein. Why the fuck are people so incapable of boiling water to cook rice at home?
I do sort of like the idea of eating hundreds of pieces which is like $400 worth of menu prices. Sort of like the people who like the idea of buying something because the guy on TV says it’s a $300 value that now costs three payments of $19. If I haven’t already bought it for $57 why the fuck would anyone say the “value” exceeds that amount?
Why the fuck do people buy girl scout cookies? If you want to support the Girl Scouts, just give them the money without requiring they give you junk food in return. If you want cookies, go to the store and buy something off the shelves. If the Girl Scout cookies are truly a worthwhile product that people actually like, why the fuck do they intentionally limit profits and limit how much they can help the Girl Scouts by staying out of the cookie aisle in any grocery store?
NBA All-Star weekend: Why the fuck are the Spurs and Lakers not seen as one of the greatest rivalries in sports of the past 20 years. Red Sox and Yankees had those 14 games in 2003 and 2004, otherwise it would be virtually identical. Duke-Carolina is just a matter geography and underage drunks. I guess there’s Nadal-Federer. But I asked about sports, not whatever it is those guys play. Though I reckon anything that gives Serena Williams her stage is good enough for me
Why the fuck can’t I find a single shred of creativity to come up with anything better this week and instead just throw out a bunch of fucking curse words? Anyone out there who can put together a couple of halfway decent writings for here will earn $20 (and even if they’re as bad as this stupid shit, it will be worth $10)
Why the Fuck did they change tuna from six-ounce cans to five ounce cans a few years ago? Drained it’s now like only two ounces, anyone who hates the stuff that much isn’t going to change their buying habits based on those final few specks of fish
"If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat"
More Goofiness
In recent human history the ultimate measure of athleticism has been the decathlon, measuring strength, speed, endurance and precision. Two jumps, three throws, four track events, at one time I might have been able to score a few thousand points in those events. Then there is the pole vault and I don’t have a prescription for Viagra
But just because it is the best does not mean can’t be improved. It can be improved significantly
Strength, speed, endurance
For strength, by far the best and easiest measure is a heavy barbell. Pick it up off the ground and lift it straight up over your head. George Costanza was so powerful he could lift 100 pounds right up over his head. The fat heavyweights are lifting well over 500-pounds. For this, one point is award for every five kilograms lifted
For speed 100m sprint has always been the standard. But it only lasts a few seconds — too similar to the strength test. So 400m would be better. One point for every two seconds under 1:40
For endurance, a lot of people run marathons. But a lot of people run even further than marathon distance, so even if it’s not for me, enduring that sort of thing is not a big deal. Very few people could ever care to endure eating for more than a few bites. So: 10 minute eating event. When so few people in the world willing to endure such a thing, that has to be the very best possible choice. One point for every 100 grams eaten. And the competition starts with this event. And to hell with spreading it out over two days. The events are done in immediate succession with breaks less than three minutes
If Pete C wasn’t such a lazy fool, he could be somewhere around 5 000grams/60seconds/140kilograms by the 2012 Olympics. I’m even much more lazy than he is, but still willing to offer a substantial cash award to anyone who could beat my score
fat guy
fast guy
fried fish and fried potatoes 'cause the next Olympics are in London
Valentine’s Day: Milk Chocolate is Better Than Dark Chocolate; Or How to Eat a Gallon of Milk
Best thing about valentine’s day: pitchers and catchers report
Second best thing about valentine’s day: people who try to make a case that dark chocolate has health benefits. Which a few idiots do. Even when it’s made with 30% butter and 50% sugar
New Rule: anyone who ever says dark chocolate has health benefits should try eating at least four or five pounds of it. If unwilling to do so, that’s a pretty clear admission that saying the stuff is healthy is total bullshit. Or at least try the following: one stick of butter, one cup granulated sugar and ¼ cup cocoa powder (which is pretty close to the recipe Hershey’s uses for their dark chocolate). Anyone unwilling to do so must either hate dark chocolate or hate the idea of being healthy. I would be willing to eat that for a snack. But there has to be a better reason than someone saying that it is healthy. Just because someone says something stupid does not make it so
Since I say some milk chocolate can be ok, I’m actually willing to do more than just say it is so, I’m actually willing to prove it’s ok. One gallon sugar-free and fat-free chocolate pudding, which is just one gallon milk, fake sugar and corn starch
People who think dark chocolate is ok refuse to eat it; those who think milk chocolate is better eat eight pounds of it. In light of that, there can be absolutely no question and no debate about which one is better
Much more filling than any other breakfast in recent memory, but only a few minutes later and already starting to feel hungry again; 144g protein
Are Buffets Competitions?
Yes They Are
But you are not competing against the buffet. It is impossible for you to win. Some fools might say if you go for the most expensive items you can come out ahead. I would like for them go everyday and eat three pounds of the pork roast and four pounds of prime rib for the next six months and see if they still feel like winners at the end of it
You are competing with them. Look to the buffet as a teammate and it is possible to come out ahead
Here is how to win
- Go often
- Eat as much as you can with the focus on nutrition, not market price
- Eat so much you don’t have to spend any money or time on any other eating
- Use all the money and time you are no longer spending on eating to do whatever else in the world will make you the most happy
finally updated 2011 calendar and will update it again after today’s buffet visit
Goofy Idea For This Week
I would be willing to eat only one food for an entire year. And some possibilities wouldn’t even be much of a hardship. Pizza would mean bread, tomato, cheese and any variety of meat and vegetables. With just a moderate amount of compensation I could manage that for the rest of my life
If any food company wants someone to advertise their product by doing something like this, I don’t require much compensation
Attempting something like this would be more challenging if faced with only a single ingredient. When allowed to buy whatever you want from the grocery store, produce and protein always win. If forced to only buy one single ingredient, it seems grains win by a landslide. They have the best combination of protein and fiber. Beans would be the first thought for some people. But mega-doses of beans should be saved for Valentine’s Day and prom night
Once again oatmeal looks to be at the top, but many whole grains from amaranth to popcorn would be ok. Things like brown rice, barley and whole wheat are a little worse. There is some documentation that most plant protein is inferior to animal protein. Some people eat little nutrition for decades, this is just for one year If only eating one single thing for an entire year, the very best choice may very well be wheat germ (though I’ve never eaten it plain before, for only one year what’s the worst that could happen?)
Packers vs Steelers Meal Time
For a tribute meal, this was the worst possible matchup. Patriots v Seahawks could have been Dunkin Donuts v Starbucks. Jets and Falcons could have been New York Cheesecake with five pounds of peaches. Cheesesteak and barbeque for the Eagles and Chiefs. Crabcakes and deep dish pizza if it was Ravens and Bears
For Packers and Steelers the most fitting meal is cheddar and Heinz Ketchup; 40 ounces of each to honor Pat Tillman (and because that’s the size Heinz Ketchup comes in)
The low-fat cheese slices are pretty heavy on the salt, as much sodium in the cheese as in the ketchup. A total of over 20 000mg sodium in those five pounds. Obviously five pounds is not very much, especially for a game that will last almost four hours. So to complete the meal, fluids and potassium make the most sense
A preemptive 3.5 Liters water. Just got this out of the way quickly. Drank it all in less than 60 seconds at the opening kickoff. Filled my belly pretty well, so took the entire first quarter to finish all the cheese slices and ketchup
Bananas actually aren’t the best source of potassium (potatoes have almost 20% more nutritiondata.com), but they are the most celebrated. And they allow me to make a black and yellow dish to commemorate the Steelers and a green and yellow dish for the Packers
For the second quarter:
- Three bananas with 30 ounce can of black beans (these ones cost half as much as the no salt added variety, so another 2 400 mg sodium)
- Three bananas with 32 ounces green beans
thanks to: midwest dairy farmers and high blood pressure medication
44 deli slices and seven ounces low-fat and fat-free cheddar with 40 ounces ketchup; over 20 000mg sodium
32 ounce bag of green beans, 30 ounce can of black beans, six bananas, 3.5 Liters water
Prince Was Better Than Janet Jackson Showing Off Her Tits
The best Super Bowl halftime show in history was Prince in 2007, closely followed by Janet Jackson flashing the world three years earlier. In this case, a full set of music trumps a few seconds
The Rest Of Super Bowl Week Top 10
Best NFL Team 1992 and 93 Cowboys. Best offensive line in history coupled with an all-time great runningback. One of the best defenses in the entire league was just a bonus. Beat a couple teams that were close to dynasties themselves — Bills and 49ers
Greatest Sports Figure Pat Tillman
Best Sports Statistic The Detroit Lions have won 29% of their 192 games over the past 12 years. For the 10 years before that, they won 49%; for the 10 years before that, they won 35%
The worst franchise with the most incompetent management in all of professional sports was a playoff team because of one running back. That’s what makes Barry Sanders the Best non-QB in NFL History
Best Snack for the Super Bowl I will be report that here on Super Bowl Sunday
Best Sports Quote I never smoked Astroturf
Best Sports Moment Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich trade wives. That sort of thing goes on in professional sports every day. But this one was done out in the open with houses, children and pets also included in the trade
Best TV Moment Jesse Spano abuses diet pills. With ads selling for up to $3 million this Sunday let us not forget the one true lesson TV has taught us: any teenager who ever tries drugs, even tablets that contain 200mg caffeine will eventually end up in porn
Best Moment in Pittsburgh History There is nothing the Steelers will ever do that will match Jennifer Beals taking off her bra on camera without showing the world her tits
