eatingalot.com

To recap what has been said here over-and-over to the point of just being annoying: The so-called eating challenges where the meal is complimentary for finishing everything exist because restaurant management knows the stuff they serve is so disgusting that any possible customer would rather pay money than eat more than 10% of a meal

As stupid and annoying as I find these things, I’ll still do one tonight, because the restaurant is giving cash

There is, however, one true challenging meal.  I will offer substantial cash — five figures — to anyone who finishes this meal:
Six bacon double cheeseburgers
Large french fries
Jar of peanut butter
bottle of orlistat
(an extra $1 000 if two bags potato chips made with olestra are included)

It ends for everybody, it ends for the pro who makes $5 million a year and has his face on magazine covers and his name in the record books.  It ends for the kid on the high school team who never comes off the bench except to congratulate his teammates as they file past him on their way to the Gatorade bucket.  In my case it ended on December 22, 1979 in the Tangerine Bowl in Orlando
John Ed Bradley, Sports Illustrated, 12 August 2002, describing his last college football game

In my case it ended on Labor Day, 2011

Intellectually I know that isn’t true.  It might take six weeks or six months, but eventually I’ll look to go back to this stupid shit.  For today, however, emotionally I feel if I walk away forever it would be OK

If a borderline NFL player spends six months believing they’ve moved on — not practicing, running no sprints, never watching any film, nor studying the playbook — it effectively ends their career.  If a borderline eating contestant spends that time or more not bothering with the stuff it’s because nothing is available.  You can always go back to it just by showing up

No matter if I ever care to show up again, at least I can always stand alongside Tim Tebow as a never was.  While I may never do much worthwhile in the silly world of eating contests the so-called greatest college football player in history is never going to do anything worthwhile in the NFL

But Tebow isn’t the greatest college football player in history.  And it really can’t be much of a question.  If he was, why was every single person who saw him play able to see that he would struggle against top-level defenses?  Every single person who saw Herschel Walker play knew he could do similar things against NFL (or USFL) defenses that he was doing against SEC defenses

Here’s something amazing: Quarterback is obviously by far the most important position in football.  That’s the player who touches the ball every play.  Tebow averaged 38 pass and rush attempts during his three years as a starter.  Walker averaged 31 rush attempts during his three years.  He came pretty damn close to touching the ball every single play.  His teammates at Georgia were not nearly as good as the ones Tebow had at Florida

Tim Tebow.  He and I are brothers.  We both done OK at the minor league level with no chance of doing anything at a higher level and should probably just give up

Buying groceries this morning: at this store most any other week cottage cheese costs $1.99 per pound, this week it is selling for $1.25; pears and green apples were 79-cents per pound, less than they have been selling for recently; Shredded Wheat cost $1.50 per box, when it is usually $2.49 any other time. The cashier told me “You saved $4.32″

So why did I think I was spending money instead of saving it? Which is about the exact opposite of saving money. Either that lady was a complete idiot to believe I was saving money or I am a complete idiot for thinking that I was spending, not saving (or she just thinks all the customers are complete idiots)

I filled my tank with gas, paying $3.579 per gallon. Every merchant is going to charge the absolute highest price the free market will allow. While most drivers would be willing to pay $8 per gallon, because there are so many countries ripping oil out of the ground, competition keeps the prices much lower. Does that mean I was “saving” $4.42 for every gallon purchased because it was that much less than what other people would be willing to pay? (just as other people are willing to pay $2.49 for cereal, but I paid less). If you disagree with that, than you must be as much of an idiot as I am for believing that spending money cannot be saving money

(and if you’re one of those people who hate to see gas prices rising so much, blame the other drivers who create such a high demand for fuel. Like accelerating just to reach a red light, than accelerating at such a high rate as soon as it turns green. I can understand exceeding the speed limit, because even if it uses so much more energy, at least you cut down the time spent driving. Then you can use that time to sit at a job to pay for all the extra gas that was used)

This is going to be my last whining. At least until I start whining again

Over the past few days I had an email exchange with Stacie Schmidt. She is a woman involved with an event being run by the local radio station: anyone who likes to eat chicken wings enough can eat a big meal of them and earn $2 500

Except that because at one time I had an involvement with competitiveeaters.com, I am not allowed to be involved in this event. In the past, my relationship with them was nothing more than enjoying meals with other people who like to eat. While Ms Schmidt wasn’t very clear as to exactly why it works that way, I could catch the hint: most anyone who likes to eat is a worthless person. I like to eat, so that makes me an such an extremely repulsive person and such an absolute piece of shit that there is no possible way I should be allowed to be a part of this

The interesting twist is that the guys at competitiveeaters.com decided that by trying to be a part of this event last year it meant I was disloyal to them and now refuse to have anything to do with me

This morning the radio station was playing Self Esteem from The Offspring. It felt fitting. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow’s writing will be more upbeat

In 2010 there were four eating contests that told me I would not be allowed in. The reasons were all similarly vague and strange. All said something to the effect of “anyone who likes must be one of the worst people in the world and absolutely cannot be a part of our eating contest.” What makes this so strange is that these were the contests that seemed to go out of the way to attract people who like to eat be offering thousands of dollars

There were six contests I was allowed to enter, six times during 2010 I was able to enjoy a meal with other people who like to eat, corned beef and cabbage on St Patrick’s Day, pizza, hotdogs, hamburgers, lobster and potatoes. So that’s cool. One of them even offered prizes at a level near the four that I wasn’t allowed it, so that was cool

I still don’t like it that people tell me I am close to the worst person in the world simply because I like to eat, as those four events did. The copper lining is that it led me to start these writing — If earnings surpass the current amount of $20 per month, I’ll consider it a silver lining

Looking ahead to 2011, I’ll try to enter whatever contests I can find so that I’ll still be able to enjoy big meals with others. Whether that happens six times, 12 times or doesn’t happen at all, it will be ok. There are some big eating events already planned, so keep reading for another year

We get the joke.  It’s not very funny

A restaurant realizes its customers hate eating so much that they try to make a joke out of it.  They offer something on the menu that is a larger sized portion.  If someone hates to eat, they’ll stop eating before they finish and have to pay.  If someone likes to eat they’ll finish it and have the meal free of charge.  Except most of the time for someone who likes to eat it isn’t even a full meal and after tipping the waitstaff the meal still costs more and has less nutrition than something of comparable size from the grocery store

As stupid as these things are, I’ve done them.  When I had no cable and no internet I also watched more than one full episode of Margaret Cho’s sitcom, so I have a history of supporting the stupidest and most unfunny attempts at comedy

With eating contests, at least it’s a big meal with other people who like to eat.  With these challenges, every time I’ve bothered with them, it was a big meal surrounded by people who hate to eat.  Again, groceries at home is almost always a better choice

So why do some restaurants bother with these things?

Doubtful it is a profitable proposition, otherwise a lot more of them would be offered

Most likely answer is that management gets bored and wants to join in on pointing out how anyone who likes to eat must be worthless crap.  We’ve all heard that from plenty of other people.  It’s not very original

On very rare occasions they’ll offer cash to anyone who likes to eat.  That’s cool, because I like money

Watch virtually any show on Food Network and it becomes amazingly clear that they hate eating. I learned that years ago. Yet with Thanksgiving coming up I decided to give them a chance. Thanksgiving is perhaps the one day of the year where American culture at least makes an attempt to put aside it’s collective hatred of eating

The average person may make a mockery of eating, but at least some try, so I’ll play along. In search of sort of traditional dishes decided to watch a few shows. Best example was so-called Green Bean Casserole. Green beans are one of the very best things to eat because they cost less than $1 per pound, cooking and clean-up cost very little and you can eat about seven pounds of them and still be under 1 000 Calories

On the Food Network, the recipe had more oil and butter than actual green beans. That alone moves it from around 1 000 Calories in a decent sized meal to around 10 000 (that’s not even counting the three full cup of flour also included). Are the people on the Food Network really suggesting to eat more than 10 000 Calories in one meal, even on Thanksgiving? It’s much more likely that they are suggesting their viewers eat very small amounts. It takes a pretty high level of hatred for eating to devote nearly every single hour of programming urging their viewers to eat barely anything at all

Many people say they like to eat. Most of those people are liars. What they say is far different than what they do

If they really did like to eat, why do they always stop eating after only a small snack? It is like if someone says they like to watch movies, so they catch 10 minutes of Avatar three times a day. Or imagine someone who says they like money being given the opportunity to reach into a jar of $100 bills and take out as much as they can grab. And they only take one. If they really like to eat, they would eat something of substance instead of something so meager

Even after anyone else who claims they like to eat stops, I continue. To me, that is a good indication that when I say I like to eat, I mean it; my stated preference matches my revealed preference

When a person has a hobby they like so much — and when they have such built up bitterness — what else is there to do but document it all on the internet?