eatingalot.com

The tranny I’ve seen at the gym got breast implants and wasn’t wearing an extreme amount of makeup.  She looks a lot better

Perhaps the only good side-effect of not being allowed to do any eating contests, is that the few that will accept you will pay cash even if you don’t eat very much

Hotdog contest last weekend.  Each one was only half sized.  Finished first three trays in under five minutes, then waited about 20 seconds for the fourth one the be brought out.  Finished the fourth tray in about two minutes, then with more than two minutes left, they were all out of hotdogs.  They still gave me some cash despite the meal being so much smaller than I used to be able to eat

Invited to a bar afterward.  Told they had wings that were extremely spicy, offered complimentary.  I’ve never had much problem eating anything spicy.  These ones burned my soul

Bar also had a burger that was double sized, also complimentary.  Very little desire to eat that sort of meal.  But the waitress was so hot and giving off good vibes that I went back the next day.  At 8:00 pm hugged the waitress and asked when her shift was over.  Said it depended on how busy it was.  Left to digest the burger with the plan of going back to see her again.  At midnight, only a small crowd of customers and she was gone

Mariano Rivera’s career may be over. Best reliever in history. So where does he rank among all pitchers?

Next month is the anniversary of the single best pitched game in baseball history. Doc Ellis pitching a no-hitter while tripping on LSD

Second best game was Pedro Martinez 17-strike out, one-hitter against the Yankees on September 10, 1999

For a career, measuring pitching success is pretty straight forward. How well are they able to stop the other team from scoring and how much time do they spend doing it. Innings pitched and ERA+ are the best stats, using only those stats and adjusting for the fact that sports performance generally increases from one generation to the next is mostly all required to make this list

Top 30 Pitchers in History (post-1900, Cy Young would be between 10 and 15)
1 Roger Clemens What I wrote two years ago is still true A unanimous Cy Young award in 1986, 20 years later he had the lowest ERA of the 21st century. In between there were six more years he was the best pitcher in the league, another seven years he was a legitimate ace and an additional eight years he was a solid contributor. Greg Maddux and Randy Johnson can’t match that; without exaggeration, that’s essentially double what Sandy Koufax did
2 Walter Johnson
3 Tom Seaver
4 Lefty Grove
xx Satchel Paige
5 Greg Maddux
6 Pete Alexander
7 Randy Johnson
8 Bob Gibson
9 Warren Spahn
10 Christy Mathewson

Paige is the fourth or fifth best pitcher in history. That’s clear to see. Won’t give him a ranking because I would have no clue where to rank the second or third best pitchers from the Negro Leagues. In just 10 years after segregation ended five black players began their careers who are still ranked among the top five at their position (Jackie Robinson, Ernie Banks, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron and Frank Robinson). Hard to believe Smokey Joe Williams doesn’t deserve consideration for a place in the top 20. Yet I wouldn’t have a clue where to put any others

That list took only a few minutes and I’m confident it is correct and willing to support it. The next 20 are so close. Would take hours to separate. If you care to know the exact order, just check out baseballreference and compare ERA+, IP and peak values. Maybe I’ll re-write this later when I have the ability to sit for hours. Instead, groups of five, in chronological order, number 11-15:
Carl Hubbell, Bob Feller, Robin Roberts, Steve Carlton, Pedro Martinez

16-20:
Sandy Koufax, Whitey Ford, Juan Marichal, Jim Palmer, Tom Glavine

21-25:
Ed Walsh, Gaylord Perry, Ferguson Jenkins, Nolan Ryan, John Smoltz

26-30:
Mordecai Brown, Phil Niekro, Bert Blyleven, Mike Mussina, Mariano Rivera

“Would you be willing to have sex with someone you didn’t like for $1 million?”
“For $1 million I guess I would be able to endure it for a few minutes”
“Here’s $20, let’s go to my room and have sex”
“What kind of woman do you think I am?”
“Lady, we’ve already established the kind of woman you are, now we’re just negotiating the price”

it’s funny because economics is always such a humorous subject

—–

The most puzzling question in economics:

Tim Harford fielded this question a couple years ago: why has the price of weed remained the same over decades, roughly $10 per gram in the 1980s and still $10 per gram today?

Harford is a bright guy and almost always has insightful commentary, yet couldn’t come up with an answer

—–

When there is nothing to write about, there is always sex and drugs to write about. Or baseball. By the time his contract runs out Barry Zito will have earned over $143 million for his career. For Alfonso Soriano, it will be close to $160 million

An observation I heard was that women who try online dating like to insist for “No Drama.” They ask for this because they’ve experienced their share of drama in the past (whatever it is that means to them). This is because they do stuff that creates drama

There is a place to write what you’re looking for. Mostly it’s either “Dating” or “Long Term Relationship.” Very rarely will someone put “Just Friends.” I put “Happiness,” because that’s the only thing I’m looking for. One time I got an email from a woman who wrote that she was looking for “Lots of Freaky Stuff”

We exchanged emails and she would say how she was into the freakiest things imaginable and no one else could handle it and it always caused her relationships to fall apart. I assured her all I cared about was the freakiest things I could think of

We met, chatted briefly, then went to her house. She told me to wait for a minute while she got ready. She returned a moment later with handcuffs and a whip, wearing nothing but strategically placed whip cream and a midget on her shoulders

I was like, “I’m all set, I’ll be leaving now.”

She was like “I thought you were into freaky stuff.”

I was like “I already fucked the vacuum cleaner, ate all your cereal and took everything from your purse and shoved it into my butt.”

I took the midget off her shoulders and went home

If the Miami Heat win the NBA Championship LeBron James moves into the top 15 players of all-time.  If they don’t — it would be so hilarious

The top 10, in order:
Michael Jordan
Shaquille O’Neal
Magic Johnson
Wilt Chamberlain
Kobe Bryant
Larry Bird
Bill Russell
Tim Duncan
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Oscar Robertson

Lakers are pretty high up there.  All their Championships came from having the best stars.  The Celtics Championships came from having the most stars.  A lot of people put Bird and Russell up higher than Chamberlain and Johnson.  All that means is they are discrediting the other Celtics players.  Maybe I give too much credit to Parrish and McHale, but when Russell was playing and the Celtics won every year, they required seven Hall-of-Fame players to beat Philadelphia and Los Angeles

Any top 10 list is pretty much Jordan and everyone else.  When the Bulls made the Finals, he was not only the best player on the court every single time, he was so much better than everyone else there was no way they could lose.  Shortly after O’Neal became the only other player in history to reach that level, but it only for a couple of years, not six

The rest of the top 20:
Hakeem Olajuwon
Bob Pettit
Kevin Garnett
Karl Malone
Julius Erving
David Robinson
Elgin Baylor
Dirk Nowitzki
Moses Malone
With James ranking anywhere from 12 through 20 depending on how this year plays out

Don’t Leave Me

The last words from Chris Farley to the prostitute he was with before he died. We can only guess if he was asking her for another round or if he was urging himself to keep holding on to life. He passed out, she left, he died

I am vertical
But I would rather be horizontal

From such an accomplished author hard to accept the horrid but, rather redundancy. But it is so poetic we can overlook that

Out of context any reasonable person would believe she is talking about sex.  Since it came from Sylvia Plath it’s likely something else

She is talking about doing bench press instead of squats. That’s so very wrong. Almost as wrong as carbon monoxide asphyxiation

That's Doing it Right

One argument for why women are tougher than men is their ability to endure the pain of child birth. That argument — any argument for women being tougher than men — is complete horseshit

Sometimes handling intense pain conditions us to better handle it again. Sometimes it causes us to use up whatever pain tolerance we had. A Prisoner of War will not always be able to handle a second round of torture because they endured one round earlier

Further, making babies fulfills a biological desire. It is fighting against these desires that proves true toughness. The desire to find your identity. Be successful. Eat. Fuck. . .

Women are much more likely to be anorexic. Men are much more likely to be failures; much more likely to be unlaid this weekend

Further, when it comes to fighting against the strongest and most powerful biological desire and biological need men fight so much harder with far more determination. When fighting against self-preservation men win four times as often as women. In the US 80% of all suicides deaths are men

When it’s cold outside, when the temperature drops to near zero, there are things we do to keep ourselves warm and comfortable. Stay inside and turn up the heat. Wear layers of clothes, including a heavy hooded sweatshirt when we do go outside. Also, imagine a fire in your rectum, an idea I learned from Rick Reilly, and something so many of us do

When it’s too hot outside, we turn on the air conditioner and imagine ice in our rectums

I don’t mind spicy food. A jar of jalapenos is a good snack, so long as it is the large size. Haven’t eaten any of them this year this year until recently. They were too spicy for me. Had to stop to drink water. Then I imagined I was eating ice cream. It made them taste cool, not hot. Then I thought why couldn’t I have just bought a carton of ice cream and not bothered with mere fantasizing. Upon that discouraging realization my mouth went from tasting cool ice cream to the hot spices

I find myself searching for reruns of 30 Rock in syndication with the hope that this time Alec Baldwin and Tiny Fey finally fuck each other. If it didn’t happen the first time, I should know there is absolutely no possible way of it happening in a rerun. If they don’t fuck each other before the series ends I will be upset. Like so upset I might even let someone know I’m upset about it

—–

The blonde from Three’s Company and Step by Step had something done to her face so that she now barely looks human, according to Star magazine. She was good looking enough with a big enough rack in 1977 to be a TV star. There is no way that can last for 35 years. Trying to recapture that at age 70 will always cause a problem. It seems the only good plastic surgeries are the ones that aren’t noticed. Except for hair and breast jobs. ‘Sup Gwen Stefani — she was hot in 1994 and looks pretty much the same now. Except for a much larger rack

—–

Virtually any PG-13 movie would be better if it had enough violence, sex and swearing to earn an R rating. Virtually any R rated movie would be better if it had enough sex and violence to earn either no rating or an NC-17 rating. Somehow being able to advertise that they purposely made an inferior product increases demand for the movie

—–

The exception that proves the rule I understand what this means and how it can be applied correctly. Yet anytime any of us use the expression all it proves is that we are fucking idiots
Taking 120mg oxycodone and giving one weeks paycheck to a street walker makes me happiest
You did that every day last week and it never made you any happier
That’s the exception that proves the rule

The odds of winning on a one dollar Mega Millions ticket are only around one-in-180 million. That means without a jackpot split, each ticket has an Expected Value of over $3.50. That means all you have to do is spend like $10,000 on lottery tickets and you are pretty much guaranteed to win at least $30,000

Economics is exactly like eating. It’s what you do that matters, not what you say

With virtually every American refusing to participate in such a great deal, it’s pretty obvious we just don’t care about improving our personal financial situations

Peyton Manning goes to Denver. Two years ago the Broncos traded up in the first round to draft the guy, then he exceeded all expectations and he is only worth a fourth round pick? I’m sure he’s a swell guy. It’s everyone else who are fucking annoying, pretending that because he likes Jesus, Tebow is somehow an important sports figure. He went from one of the worst starting quarterbacks to an ok backup

Chipper Jones will retire after this year. The fifth best thirdbaseman in baseball history and an automatic first ballot Hall-of-Famer. The sixth best thirdbaseman had to wait 28 years after he retired and one year after he died to make it to the Hall-of-Fame. Of the 120 or so people put into the Hall-of-Fame by the Veterans Committee, Ron Santo was better than all but two of them. Anyone who uses Veterans Committee selections to argue why a similar player deserves to be inducted by the Writers is a fucking idiot with their head shoved up their ass. The fact that they weren’t chosen by the Writers proves that they were below their standards

NCAA Tournament. Everyone tries to guess the winners of each game of the “bracket.” If anyone was truly bright enough to pick winners at a better rate than the crowd, they would have already won millions betting on sports. I know absolutely nothing about any of the teams, simply picked whichever team was the favorite to win each game and those choices are doing better than 81% of submissions on ESPN.com. If Kentucky beats Ohio State, it will end up doing better than 90%. And I’ll do the same thing next year. And I’ll be willing to wager $100 against anyone else’s choices (if that’s not enough for you, how about $10 000? If you haven’t yet earned your millions betting on these games, my picks will always be much more likely to win than yours — and I’m willing to back it up with however much money you want)

Olympic year. Americans against the communists. America has a better than 50% chance of winning the most Gold Medals. Communist China has a better than 40% chance. China may have a huge advantage in population, but America has a huge advantage in spending money on sports. Adjust for population and money and Communist Cuba is the best sports country in the world. Russia went from the very best to a very distant third when they gave up on it. Every other country in the Eastern Bloc dropped off. Germany from near the top to merely decent. Romania, Bulgaria and Poland went from middle of the pack to not very many in Olympic medals. It may not be holding up very well, but communism proved itself long ago the best system for building sports talent

Saints lose draft picks and have major suspensions on their coaching staff. All because they thought their workers deserved to be paid for the work they did. The job description for any pro athlete is to help the team win. In football that means hitting the guy. Hitting him so hard brains bounce around inside the skill. Joints are pounded by thousands of pounds of force until they lose function. NFL players die young. They deserve to be compensated. And they are. Every time any team gives any player his paycheck, they are paying him because of how effective he is at wrecking the health of the guy on the other team

Tiger Woods first PGA win since 2009 last weekend. He went nearly three years without a win and was still earning $75 million per year

Top 10 thirdbaseman
1 Mike Schmidt
2 Eddie Mathews
3 George Brett
4 Wade Boggs
5 Jones
6 Santo
7 Brooks Robinson
8 Darrell Evans
9 Home Run Baker
10 Scott Rolen

side note: two best DHs in history played more games at thirdbase than anywhere else in the field, Paul Molitor and Edgar Martinez

side note II: the only Cuban born player in the Hall-of-Fame wouldn’t even make the Cuban born All-Star team. Tony Perez should have used drugs if he wanted to be better than Rafael Palerio. Cuban born Minnie Minoso is only the second best leftfielder not in the Hall-of-Fame, but Tim Raines, like Palmerio, was another drug user, so he can’t be allowed in. Putting drug users in the Hall-of-Fame means losing the war on drugs. Luis Tiant doesn’t deserve to be in, not because of drugs, but because he just wasn’t good enough. Yet still far better than Jack Morris, who still has so many fucking idiots thinking he would be a reasonable choice

The cost of filling your car with gas has been the same for many decades: it’s whatever you’re willing to pay

If you’re willing to pay $5.00 per gallon, think about how much money you’ve saved over all the years buying gas.  It’s like the oil companies have been paying us thousands of dollars every year to buy their product

Whining about paying more money for gas, yet still buying hundreds of gallons makes about as much sense as whining about the blood stains that come from rubbing broken glass into your arms.  If you don’t like either of those things don’t do them

Feel like transportation is necessary to avoid the pain, boredom and emptiness that build from sitting around too much?  We’re still allowed to drive less, drive slower, drive smaller cars. If we all did that, the supply-and-demand equation would change so significantly, not only would we be buying fewer gallons, we would also be paying less per gallon.  But doing any of those things would be way too much of a hardship, like a cancer patient going without chemotherapy

Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter: I don’t give a shit about either of these

Entertainment Weekly cover story is about another movie made out of a book targeting the same audience with an intriguing title: Hunger Games. It’s a game I like to play. Wait until you are hungry enough to eat 15-pounds, then go do so

Except this one seems to be sort of like The Running Man, except with teenage girls instead of Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura. That would be like replacing the cast of Predator with the cast of Hannah Montana. Or a Rockey remake with Hillary Swank. And when they actually tried it, it was boring (though still about as good as all the Rocky sequels). And the way she was killed in Million Dollar Baby was stupid. The way Custer, Cassidy and Tulip kill people in Preacher is cool. They should make a movie about that story

It's not pornographic, it's art

Blade Runner: Movie

Blind Side and Moneyball: Books

Basketball Diaries: Book

Blackhawk Down: Both were cool

The vampire movie with Christian Slater and Tom Cruise: All vampire stories are stupid. This one was ok because Christian Slater is so dreamy. Tom Cruise? We all loved Top Gun, especially the volleyball scene, but that was 26 years ago. Since then, the only thing worthwhile he’s done has been to fuck Joey Potter

Batman, Spider Man, X-Men: The movies were dull, the books are ok at times. Only truly great story of this sort is Preacher

Pride, sloth and greed, those are the sins. I don’t qualify for those. I’m the opposite: Shameful, fidgety and broke

Wrath and lust aren’t accurate; pushover and unlaid are better descriptions for me

If gluttony is the sin, anorexia is the virtue. Perhaps I should try that. Starting tomorrow. After the all-you-can-eat buffet

A clean ball falls on the floor and gets dirty. To clean it, put it in dirty water for one second. That is the magic of beer pong

A joint sat on the desk for weeks. Finally I smoked it, first time in four years. As I always am, I was hungry enough to eat 10-pounds before smoking. At first I felt no effects and started preparing 10-pounds of groceries. Then it hit me. Paradoxical effect. There was no hunger, I just wanted to lie down. King of Queens rerun was on when I laid down. That 70s Show was on when I got up. It was the one when they all got high

. . . And I sold her out for buffet comps

Fuck me gently … a chainsaw would be much gentler than how you usually do it

If you haven’t died by an age thought predetermined by the timing of your abuses and excesses, then what else is left but to begin another diary?

Except I can’t think of anything to write

Except to say that there was this exquisite knife I could have used to defend myself or to slit my own throat. I did nothing. She cut my throat. And repeatedly hacked the dying body

The implied meaning is to eat two pizzas, a large bag of corn chips and a half gallon of ice cream topped with candy. Followed by a bottle of ipecac. That’s not good

The literal definition is a period of excess, followed by cleaning up the dirt and grime that comes from such excess. That is a truly good thing to do and can be done with so much in life

Money: A lot of people live comfortably earning and spending barely more than minimum wage. Average income, though is much higher. Thus someone can binge on a year or two earning $50 000 per year, then go a few years without having to work or worry about income. That’s cool

Or 48 to 60 hours awake, then sleep for 18 hours

Or instead of the whole vomit thing, eat as much as possible for every meal, but put a full day or so in between each one and always start with 10 plates of salad

Gun shot wounds and entire bottles of pain killers might not work too well

The last year couldn’t have been as good as the other years

Imagine someone who has 80 years of life where they are truly happy almost every day. Imagine further that they then spend five more years with only rare occasions of happiness. That’s still more total happiness than going 80 years truly happy and then dying with no sudden decrease in quality of life

Imagine a good meal. A nicely satisfied stomach. Imagine further adding more food on top of that to the point of being as completely stuffed as possible. No matter how you feel about those final bites, they don’t change how good the first bites were. Therefore, shoving more and more food into your stomach until it is as completely stuffed as possible is equal to or better than any meal where you don’t do that

A few times each year I give blood in exchange for movie tickets

I may start selling plasma for $30 per visit

Some guys find buyers willing to pay a good deal of money for sperm

But if someone wants to help save a life by giving an organ in exchange for compensation, it is forbidden

I’ve found myself saying that line a lot lately

That sounds like pussyshit; It’s been almost 15 years since I first heard that line from the Jerky Boys, now I’ve found myself saying it a lot again

I’ll let you guess if I’m saying these things about myself or about others

Earlier in 2011 I made the resolution to visit an all-you-can-eat buffet at least twice every week. Since the end of the summer there has only been one or two weeks that did not happen. And plenty of weeks I made it three or four times. Stuffing myself very well every visit

To end 2011 I have come up with another resolution, to wear only shorts, t-shirts, sweatpants and sweatshirts. Never anything with buttons or collars or that could ever require ironing. Mostly black or dark blue to best hide the stains from the all-you-can-eat buffets. I may slip up on occasion and expand my wardrobe beyond those things. But I’ve been following this regimen for a little while now and it seems to be working well

Most important, though, is continuing to average three visits per week to the all-you-can-eat buffets

Like everyone else in the world, if there is something I can buy that I value more than the money it costs, I will go ahead and buy it. If I don’t value it that highly, I won’t buy it. That’s what makes Christmas presents so awesome. They show how much we are willing to waste and degrade our own resources just to tell the other person that the things we value are better than the things they value

I gave myself the best Christmas present I could think of. Walked through the grocery store the day before buying anything that looked worth buying. Then I spent Christmas eating it all:
four pounds frozen veggies
large winter squash
two pounds turkey
strawberries and mango, yogurt, potato
Followed by a three-hour nap. Then one pound ham and a box of Cheerios. Followed that with a 15-hour nap

It’s now been 24-hours since finishing the cereal, so it’s time to do it all over again

. . . you are moving backwards. Which is complete horseshit. How else do we end up staying in the same place for a year, a decade or a lifetime

Inflation means your money loses purchasing power. Which is again complete horseshit, because if something was worth purchasing, I would have already spent my money on it. Which means not purchasing something is far more powerful

Not restricting nutrition, means gaining weight. That one is true. I no longer care to restrict nutrition. Maybe for brief moments, but never an entire day as I have done so often. Like I don’t care to eat much in the morning, because there is coffee and Diet Mtn Dew to drink. A little later in the day is when all the action happens, like checking email or watching Springer, so no reason to eat then, just more coffee and Diet Mtn Dew. Once the sun starts to set, though, that’s when eatingalot is cool. If there isn’t a trip to the buffet it’s time to walk the aisles at the grocery store and go with anything that looks good. At least 10-pounds, usually more. Same thing I’ve been doing for years. Except I now no longer ever take a day off. No restrictions. . .

(winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. you can reverse that and it would still have the exact same meaning)

From Walter Iooss: Competition is all athletes care about, outside of money and sex (Sports Illustrated December 12)

Everyone, whether they are involved in sports or not put money and sex high up there.  (Though you really should concern yourself mostly with money, then you can use that to buy anything you want).  But for eating and people who actually like eating, the competition is such a minor piece

If Kobe Bryant found himself in the situation of never being allowed to compete in basketball, he would not spend hours dribbling and shooting hoops in a driveway or empty gym.  If Albert Pujols was never allowed a chance at $200 million and never allowed to take a swing against live pitching, he would not spend hours every day hitting against a pitching machine or off a tee

Yet if I were never allowed into eating competition I would still be at the buffet three times a week for all those snacks.  When the competitive side for all involved is such a minor issue it fails to be a sport

While we do appreciate the competition very much … while it always sucks when we’re told we’re too much of an asshole to be allowed into them … it is never a matter of competing against anyone … what is good is competing with the others.  Somehow eating contests fall short of how Mike Tyson views competition, outlined in one of his better interviews

I’m the best ever.  I’m the most brutal and vicious and most ruthless champion there’s ever been. There’s no one could stop me

it gets better

There’s no one that can match me. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to allah

I don’t understand this one.  Why does it have to be one or the other?  Why can’t we have both?  Aren’t hugs best when rolling on Ecstasy?

If forced to choose, drugs are going to win out every time.  For hugs, by definition, you are dependent upon someone else; they control you.  With drugs, you can enjoy them in solitude; you are the one who is in control.  Though most of us do need a drug dealer.  We could always pay for hugs.  But then they’re just as illegal as weed and meth

It’s like a new girlfriend, back squats or front squats everyday.  It just feels right

Running, that’s like a new boyfriend.  It just feels so very wrong

Or take a 16-pound chunk of metal and throw it as far as you can

It's only around nine-pounds, but you get the point

It’s not much more than a two step process:

• Chew
• Swallow

Repeat until not-eating makes you happier than eating.  After you’ve stopped, wait until eating will make you happier than not-eating.  Then once again follow the Chew and Swallow process.  Anyone should be able to eatalot.  If you can’t, all it means is eating isn’t what makes you happy.  If you do eatalot, it means that is what makes you happy

Now you can stop asking the question “How do you eat so much?” Read the rest of this entry »

For most questions in life, we answer them by what we do

The correct number for a life changing amount of money is under $20. If you say $20 is not a life changing amount of money you are a damn liar. As always, it’s what you do that matters, not what you say. If you really believed that amount was not life changing, then give me the money since it means your life will not change at all. Yet my life will improve by $20. Since nearly everyone in the entire world refuses to give me that amount, that means they truly believe losing that money will change their life in some way

What is too heavy? The correct answer is 115kg. I can now lift 105 fine; can even lift 110 with a pressout. But 115 kilograms is not even going to be close

What defines a large meal? Fifteen plates at the buffet, plus soup, fruit and dessert. We know that, because when I eat that much I’ll be completely stuffed and barely able to even waddle around waiting for it all to pass through my stomach

How about a three-pound bag of salad topped with a 15 ounce can of fish, plus two grapefruit. That’s a small meal. Very small. How do we know this to be true? Because of what I’ve done, not what I’ve said. That’s what I had last night. Looking back over the past two months or so don’t think there was any other day I had a meal smaller than that. Today it’s back to 10 to 15 plates at the salad bar

No Fucking Way do we have to experience bad stuff to appreciate good stuff

It’s like with the Indianapolis Colts this year. They lose Peyton Manning and are now unable to win a single game. That doesn’t say anything new about what Manning was capable of doing on a football field. We already knew he made the Colts an elite team for so many years

Patriots lose Tom Brady for the year and the team still wins 11 games. We know he is a great quarterback. We also always knew when he was winning Super Bowls he also had great teammates, far better than the ones Manning has every had

Brady cuts his hair and while he is still such a handsome man, he just isn’t as dreamy. I was going to have like 10 million of his babies, but without the long hair I won’t

We all know an eight pound salad is a great meal. We also know 14 king size candy bars isn’t as good. Adults really don’t need to ever experience that sugar rush to know it isn’t as good as the fruit and veggies (kids should go for the sugar. Kids should finish a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in addition to all the Peanut Butter Cups)

We don’t need to listen to a month of Christmas music to appreciate good music. As soon as we heard it, we knew immediately that Christmas music is shit and Prince is awesome

For most of us, we would be best off if we choose to skip over all the bad stuff and instead only do good things

Alcoholics Anonymous has a series of questions people can use to identify if they are an alcoholic.  I answer no to all of them.  There are some spinoffs for other activities some us like more than drinking.  For sexaholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous and gamblers anonymous I answer yes to a total of 17 questions

Then there is this one: http://newsone.com/newsone-original/jothomas/quiz-are-you-a-food-addict/  A great reminder of why addictions are such good things.  We give life to our addictions because we know doing these things make us happier than finding ways to avoid them

Do you binge and then “get rid of the binge” through vomiting, exercise, laxatives, or other forms of purging?

The vomiting has happened on occasion, I actually wish I could do it more, but usually the times I try, the stuff just won’t come up.  Wheat bran is good stuff.  I might be better off with more exercise.  Clean-and-jerk 100kg; on a good day as much as 110; maybe some day it will be back over 120

Do you eat large quantities of food at one time (binge)?

It’s what makes me happiest.  Eat as much as possible, to the point of being uncomfortably full.  But it’s only uncomfortable for about 90 minutes.  Then there is a period of perhaps 10 to 20 hours of feeling ok because that normal hunger just isn’t there.  It’s like a new girlfriend.  It just feels right

http://www.sa.org/test.php
http://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw2/uploads/pdf/litfiles/us_english/IP/EN3107.pdf
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions

After 11.75 pounds of spaghetti, had a half-gallon ice cream sundae for dessert.  In between tried to get rid of the pasta, but it burned my throat coming up, so only let a little bit come up

Should have eaten the spaghetti and ice cream together.  Topping three pounds of ice cream with four pounds of spaghetti and pasta sauce makes as much sense as topping it with caramel, whip cream and chocolate syrup.  Both meals would be great, yet neither could improve on the best ice cream recipe, made with just two ingredients:

• Carton of Vanilla
• Spoon

A talk show I’ve watched a few times.  The host tells the audience that he is going to eat a full meal, then only eats half of a meal.  It follows that formula every single time.  Haven’t bothered watching it in a while, but I can understand why people do even when you know exactly what is going to happen before it begins.  Springer is the same exact show every single day, yet I always like it.  Though the very best is Rachel Ray.  Her and I, we date

From The Past Few Weeks:

Won the hotdog eating contest and the watermelon eating contest

Didn’t win the pretzel eating contest

Skipped another hotdog contest and a chicken wing contest

But there is another one tomorrow

And fried potato eating contest in two weeks

And another chicken wing contest shortly after that

And I am just starting an entire week of comped buffets.  Except it is only for breakfast when there are no salad options.  So it was alternating between plates of egg whites and fruit.  Only five of each, plus turkey sausage and bowls of cereal.  From now on, I’ll go right when breakfast is ending and stay for when they put out the lunch menu and enjoy 10 plates of salad

Best of all: There is a place that will pay anyone $2.77 to go to their breakfast buffet once per month

I am going to get fat

That’s not always a bad thing.  With cold weather coming it has a certain advantage

But even with cold weather I still must cut my hair short.  Looking like a hippie is never a good thing.  In all of human history there has only been one person who has been able to pull it off.  For everyone else it is absolutely not OK to look like a hippie.  Perhaps the greatest figure in all of human history

The candy I can understand.  People would rather eat corn syrup than anything else

It’s the costumes I have a problem with.  If wearing a Spiderman mask or trying to pretend to be a pirate is something that is worthwhile, why do people spend 364 days of the year avoiding it?

There is the stupid joke that Halloween means dress like a slut day.  I am all for women dolling themselves up, showing off as much skin and cleavage as possible.  Yet the only ones who can pull it off also look good every other day of the year

The important stuff: Four 28-ounce cans of pumpkin mixed with protein powders.  Vegetables and protein, something I do like every other day of the year

mlive.com I Hate Eggs

to summarize, someone who calls themselves RJ Dress writes a letter to the local newspaper declaring that chicken eggs are so horrible and disgusting that if anyone eats one they will be miserable and unhealthy

Most people have eaten an egg in their lifetime. We all know whether we like them or not. For those of us who like them, eating a single package of them all scrambled together will not make us miserable. If someone decides they don’t like eggs, they’re never going to order them at a restaurant, so it will never cause any misery for them either

While it is true that the choices we make are what cause us to be either happy or miserable, the cool thing is most of the choices just don’t matter
Get married? Get divorced?
Buy a house? Live in a trailer park?
Stay sober? Get High?

you make your choice because that’s what you like. So whichever way you should be happy with the result. What’s really cool, is that our choices can be reduced to the most basic options open that will make anyone happy

• Everyday choose either back squats or front squats

• Everyday choose either three hours at the all you can eat buffet finishing 10 to 15 plates or so … or go to the grocery store, buy 10 to 15 pounds of groceries and eat them all

• Everyday choose either Springer or Maury

So long as you choose one or the other from each of those three bullet points you will be happy

Recent Day of Meals:
breakfast: one-cup wheat bran, three-quarter cup protein powder with two Liters water, one 200mg caffeine tablet
lunch: two-pounds yogurt
dinner: three-pound salad (two pounds veggies and one pound chicken)
latenight snack: 20mg Ambien

Very hungry the entire day. Does that mean I should have eaten more? Had I eaten two or three times that amount it would have meant spending two or three times the money. Further: Knew if I did eat two or three times that amount hunger would not have changed at all. Despite the extreme hunger feel like that is the right amount to eat every day. From now until the end of time. Just so long as there are also days like yesterday with 18 plates at the lunch buffet two or three times per week

Tonight is the start of Texas vs St Louis in the Baseball World Series

To celebrate the baseball game most fitting meal would be Budweiser for the Cardinals and cattle to honor Texas

Instead I’m having a consolation meal. Red Sox and Braves lost huge leads in September. Three pounds peaches mixed into three cans clams. Very similar to haddock with lemon or tomato sauce on sardines, so I’m guessing this type of meal is popular in Georgia and New England. Some really weird people in other states mix celery with tuna

After the baseball season is over, after the Cardinals and Rangers have finished their World Series it’s back to Boy vs Girl in the World Series of love. I already know a pretty girl who looks so tough. Her vs me, that’s like Ali vs Foreman

Her body’s heck-a-slamming

Here we are folks
The dream we all dream of

In January and February of this year restaurants gave me comped meals simply because I was the only person they ever had seen who thought the food they sold was actually ok. Everyone else who ever walked through the door thought it was so gross they refused to eat more than the tiniest amount

Both times were actually enjoyable, so tried again. It felt really weird

Someone told me a restaurant would pay $50 to anyone who finished a five course meal of sandwiches and dessert. They didn’t pay the money (but didn’t advertise it, intel I received was flawed)

The meal consisted of four courses of sandwiches and one course of dessert. All fairly small, but overall it was a decent size, very close to one-half of a full meal, which is rare in any restaurant

What was weird was what happened afterward. Staff kept commenting about how long it took, over 20 minutes. Almost all that time was just waiting for the next round, not because I thought the meal was disgusting. Someone who I think was in management asked my opinion and I let her know it was close to half-way filling. Another five courses would be almost a full meal. She then let me know she thinks anyone who could like to eat more than one-half of a sandwich, let alone that many must be a piece of shit. Told me “you’re lying” and “You don’t look too good”

I may certainly be ugly. That doesn’t mean that when I say I’m willing to eat more than one course at a meal I’m lying and a piece of shit

The meal was comped and only left a tip, didn’t have to pay the menu price. The real cost in addition to enduring the mockery was having to endure all the grease and sugar

I stopped at the grocery store and bought nearly everything I thought I could want to finish the night: 13-pounds of snacks. Had the three pound salad and carton of low-fat ice cream and was finally nicely full. Finished the rest the next morning

The server at the restaurant was so hot

thanks to: Born and Raised

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Street walkers with arms completely covered in tracks turning tricks on the basketball court in a city park in 110-degree July heat. I watched an 11-pound ice cream sundae topped with Grape Nuts thrown up on the side of an interstate highway. All these moments will be lost in time like tears in rain

Do eating contests test how much I can eat or whether I’m a lesbian?

A few meals from the past week or so, in list form:

• Two Liters Diet Mtn Dew, 25mg Ephedra and a few diet pills
• 34-ounce bag generic brand Cap’n Crunch — Colossal Crunch
• Four pound enchilada
• Eight pound enchilada
• 20 Fish Tacos and a baked potato
• Started with one Ambien, didn’t work; took another one, started to work; wanted to get high, so ended up taking a total of 40mg

Planned for next week:

• 20 hamburgers and a soft-serve ice cream cone

You’re Not Hungry?

I am hungry.  But I don’t hate feeling hunger.  To me, hunger is not a negative place to be

So often when I do eat, hunger levels don’t even change.  So the better question is Why Even Bother Eating?  Eat a small snack like one pizza with a plate of fries and half-gallon of ice cream and I’ll still be hungry.  Then what?  Eat that same meal again immediately after?

Just as hunger is not a horrible tragedy, actually eating something that’s more than the smallest of tastes, like a full eight-pound meal is not an event that must be avoided at all cost.  If a person likes to eat, it’s perfectly fine.  Even if there are some days it doesn’t happen

Everyone else in the world seems to hate both hunger and eating.  I really don’t know if that theory is true or not.  But no one has ever presented a dissenting opinion.  If it isn’t true, why does it seem everyone in the world commits so much effort to avoiding both hunger and eating?

For myself I’ve decided it’s much better to spend a moment or two of hunger than spend every moment full of hatred

I like feeling hungry, then eating, then feeling full, then waiting to do it again

What’s the best thing to eat?  What do you like eating more than anything else in the world?  It should be an easy question to answer.  It’s whatever you eat the most of.  If it’s anything else.  If you purposely do everything possible to avoid eating your favorite meals, that is the definition of stupidity

For myself it would have to be salad.  Really like the salad bars.  Went five times over the course of 11 days earlier this month.  The usual: about 10 plates of salad plus a bunch of other stuff each time.  Now this week something else comes up and I’m not going at all.  Instead similar meal at home.  More than six pounds of salad, pretty damn easy recipe:
Three-pound bag lettuce
28-ounce can tomato sauce
15-ounce can mixed vegetables
one-pound protein, either canned fish or deli-meat

Finished in second place
But. . . His stomach looked like it was stuffed with a 50″ beach ball, mine was still flat
A full 20 hotdogs behind
But. . . He was up by like 10 in less than two minutes, so over the entire final eight minutes only beat me by another 10
Won last year, only second place this year
But. . . Had a blast anyway
Couldn’t even eat as many as I did last year
But. . . Felt relatively comfortable
He’s like the best in the world
But. . . Among guys who are weak, slow, dumb and homely, I’m the smartest, best looking and most athletic in the world

College football starts this weekend.  The NCAA trying to stop college players from getting paid is sort of like the ATF trying to stop underage college students from drinking.  No matter what it’s going to happen.  They don’t have to endorse it, but why waste so many resources trying to stop it?

Similarly: Finding head coaches who adhere to recruitment and eligibility rules is like trying to find professors who take the job because they love teaching, not because they love the summers off.  Neither of those things are going to happen either

—–

Valarie Adams won shotput at the World Championships, just under 70′.  She’s listed at 260-pounds and isn’t fat.  Best throw since 2000, when the drug testing couldn’t even catch Marion Jones

—–

Second hotdog run of the summer earlier today.  The fat-free hotdogs are like $3 per package.  The merely “low-fat” can be found for $1.  I went with the cheaper ones, not even too many of them — only 2 000 grams of meat and bread — yet that is not even close to “low-fat.”  Trading  the couple of dollars per package for the 150g of fat or so is not a tradeoff I’ll be making again

Went down fairly quick, felt completely comfortable

—–

For 2011, pretty hard to think of a better holiday than Labor Day.  Much better than Fourth of July (one love America, it wasn’t you who did anything wrong).  Does make me wonder why every work place isn’t union.  No matter what a persons ideology, a union simply means labor is going to negotiate as a single entity, rather than every worker as an individual.  That’s in the best interest of virtually every single person in the workforce.  If the union proves to be weak, the workers are already united and can simply agree to lower the dues they have to pay

—–

From ESPN Magazine: In 2009 Michael Vick paid $2 098.05 per month in union dues.  That’s one of the best and safest investment is the entire world.  It has allowed him to exceed $100 million in lifetime earnings.  He then went bankrupt, but he’s now back to the similar earnings and most likely better living conditions.  Wal-Mart employees are free to make similar investments at less than $20 per month, yet refuse to do so

—–

Also From ESPN Magazine: How Thrify Are Players In Your “Sport?”

“We’re cheap,” Joey Chestnut

“At dinner we’ll go out as a group, and the tab will be a few grand,” Brandon Beachy

The cool thing is that no matter how a person does at an eating contest and no matter what the prize money, being able to have a meal out as a group is worth a few grand (if it wasn’t, those guys wouldn’t be paying that much for their meal).  That’s what I’ve come to realize

. . . It’s Worth Doing Every Day

A paradigm shift.  Over the past two years I have averaged over one All-You-Can-Eat Buffet trip per week.  Over 100 times since Summer of 2009

Over those two years I have come up with two definitive rules:

1. Go Often
2. Eat A Lot

The problem: If I am willing to say it is such a good meal, once a week isn’t often enough.  My mindset was never right.  I always treated each trip as if it was a huge event.  In my mind it made sense because it may have been the highlight of my week.  But if that was the correct approach, why weren’t other daily highlights treated made to be such a huge celebration?  Like getting jittery off megadoses of caffeine or feeling loopy on a ambien and xanax cocktail

The problem: Once or even twice per week caused that feeling of trying to fit too much into each buffet meal.  At the end there would be a hint of sadness knowing the next time was now days away.  Sometimes even more than a hint of discomfort as my stomach was so stuffed.  From now on I am going to treat All-You-Can-Eat meals the same way as any other daily mundane tasks like getting high on drugs.  Pay the $10, enjoy it while it lasts, then move on.  No need to keep taking extra doses until it hurts; no need to feel hurt because we are so far apart.  The next trip will come soon enough